when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
NoShamevember. You game?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
