im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
