There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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