I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
