I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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