There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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