and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
