I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
