Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
