I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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