I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
