Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
