when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
