I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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