Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We are two peas in an std pod
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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