I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
