in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
