im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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