3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
