Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
