I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
