i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
