Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
