You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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