I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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