His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
