the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
