Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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