PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
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Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
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Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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