my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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