I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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