He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
