well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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