make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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