I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
