just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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