you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
