He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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