Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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