I wish my penis had an off switch
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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