Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
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Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
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I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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