Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
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I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
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I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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