I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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