it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
