hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
