This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
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i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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