We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
two words...techno handjob
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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