If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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