Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
