peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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