Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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