i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
