i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
