Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
