I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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