you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
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His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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