I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
