the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
