nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
