There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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